'08 Thou Art

I’m pretty sure if Nostradamus had foreseen 2008, he would have put away his quill pen, quietly screwed the top back on his inkbottle, blown out the candle, and quit the prophecy business. Somewhere in between Tina Fey’s impersonation of Sarah Palin and the “I Kissed A Girl” video, the members of the band Rage Against The Machine were all quoted as saying,”Okay, okay, I’ll do what you tell me!”

Barack Obama became the first African-American-president-elect. I hope he lives up to all the hype and all the hyphens. Who could have predicted that democracy and Britney Spears would make a comeback in the same year? The Bush administration made “Seven Years in Tibet” seem better than the last eight years in America. You have no idea how much it pains me to make that comparison. The Chinese government encourages their pandas to fuck and their people not to. Thanks W.
O.J. Simpson went to jail . . . finally! Attention other prison inmates who plan to rape him in he shower! He’s an ex-football player. If he sees a hole, he’ll run for daylight. You should run a 4-3 and blitz your corners tight and on the inside.
Speaking of gay marriage, Ellen DeGeneres married Portia de Rossi!
Jimmy must have cracked corn, because I don’t care. I could give a De Rat’s Ass! I heard that all of their friends pitched in and bought them a blender so that they could put the Constitution in it and set it to puree.
Which reminds me, this morning I tried to flush my toilet and I noticed it was clogged. Upon further investigation, I found the U.S. economy in it. What the hell?! The economy is so bad Mexicans are sending money TO America! I’ve seen conjoined twins less confused about which direction to go in! The best advice I’ve heard lately: If you want a plan for your future, you should read "The Grapes of Wrath”.
I would be remiss if I didn’t make one attempt to point out some of the good things that happened in’08 . . . Michael Phelps. All right . . . that was fun wasn’t it? And now . . . back to the bullshit!
The popular singing group known simply as Jonas Brothers sold out more concerts than any other act in America this year. Honey, I Shrunk Metallica! They caught everyone’s attention as the opening act for Hannah Montana. If anybody knows how to get a terminator to come here from the future and kill Billy Ray Cyrus, now would be the perfect time.
Speaking of natural disasters, in 2008 there were more hurricanes than there were cyclones and earthquakes. Which is good if you’re a higher deity like say . . . God . . . or whatever, but bad if you’re one of his fragile children. I don’t know if it’s the end of the world or not, it is unfortunately, starting to feel a little like a full dress rehearsal.
Industry shut down was the name of the game this year. The housing, auto, and banking industries needed a bale out from the Bush
Administration. Well now, that sounds like a bunch of rats asking the Pied Piper of Hamelin for a piece of cheese!
How bad was your two term presidency when just as you think you’re rounding the last turn and heading for home, some crazy Iraqi chunks his shoes at you? Two days later, a big, black guy came to the White House and took away all of his Miller beer. “You don’t deserve the high life ’cause you a low life!” he said as he drove off in the beer truck. Talk about adding insult to drinkability!
What is this ex-president to do now that he’s out of office? Here’s an idea. Rent an ice cream truck with a good PA system and drive up and down every city in America and apologize to everybody whose life you fucked up. Even though it will still probably sound like circus music, it would at least be something. And something is better than nothing. Or at least it used to be eight years ago.

The Truth About Cats And Blogs

Every year the film industry whines about all they money lost due to movie piracy. I would love to be able to see their side in this matter, but I can’t. (I made this realization during “Pirates of the Caribbean III”) How can you complain about lost revenue and crank out movies about high school musicals? (Talk about buggery on the high C’s)
Dow Chemicals has less toxic waste spewing out of their drainpipes. You are not allowed to make films starring Paris Hilton and then bitch about low ticket sales. Paris Hilton has starred in two films. In one she proves that she sucks at acting. In the other she proves that she can act at sucking.
I’m not saying that there haven’t been some great films that have come out of Hollywood. To which their effect on me has often times been astonishingly profound. The first time I saw “The Godfather”, I wanted to go right out and join the Mafia. Unfortunately, I had the same feeling during the closing credits of “The Bench Warmers”.
Therein lies the problem.
The industry can make a good film when the goal is to make a good film. When the goal is to make money, you get Robin Williams dressed up like one of the Golden Girls.
Six months later, a three blu-ray disc straight to video collector’s edition of “Mrs. Doubtfire and Media’s Family Reunion at Big Mamma’s House ”.
Which brings me to the point. The film industry should be thankful that anybody would spend their time downloading bullshit movies like “Beowulf”. Illegally or otherwise! A very simple law could be enacted to punish these evil doers:
Oh hear yea; oh hear yea all, whomsoever caught spending twelve hours of their lives illegally downloading copies of the unedited version of “American Pie 7: Naked College Party Super Brawl Weekend”, shall hereby be forced to watch “American Pie 7: Naked College Party Super Brawl Weekend”.
That would certainly dissuade me.
People disagree with me all the time about my taste in movies, and that’s fine. I, for one, was not a fan of Ron Howard’s film,”Evening at the Apollo 12: Norbit in Orbit”. Frankly, I found the script devoid of historical fact. I do however, remember that classic line from the film . . .” Houston, we in some shit!” And, for what it’s worth, Jamie Kennedy was quite funny.
What makes a film good or bad is a lot like a family reunion. It’s all relative. I have a simple see or don’t see movie litmus test. If the title of the film is on a collector’s cup at Wendy’s . . . no good. If Papa John’s can somehow work the title into a two-liter Pepsi and large pizza combo deal . . . waste of time. If the next ticket to movie you buy stars Larry the Cable Guy . . . you might be a redneck.
The bottom line here is that Hollywood seems to love garbage as much the homeless do.
Put the focus on quality and not just high definition blu ray disc with an alternate ending quality, and maybe people will buy movies tickets
Fin.

Random Facts Of Violence

Often Times I hear people confuse the word coincidence with the word ironic. Here is a simple way to sort these two words out. The fact that Judd Apatow’s entire filmography consists of only one script with different titles is a coincidence. The fact that Dane Cook hasn’t starred in any of these films is ironic.

I’ve recently discovered that I like sleeping on my stomach. Due largely I’m sure, to the fact that I’m not in prison.

According to Clay Aiken, he is indeed quite gay. According to me, he must have been the last one to know.

Q: What do 911, Hurricane Katrina, and Nazi Germany all have in common?
A: They all have a higher approval rating that George W. Bush.

The scientists who built the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland have decided to in fact, refocus their efforts. Rather than waste time smashing atoms together at light speed in a needless attempt to discover the origin of the universe, they have decided instead to put Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana at opposite ends of their particle accelerator. The collision of those two forces simultaneously should create a doorway that leads straight to hell or at the very least a wormhole to the Jonas Brothers’ tour bus.

And speaking of big bangs, does anyone remember when fantasy football was all about rich African American players getting to bang hot white chicks?

In the new television series, “My Own Worst Enemy”, Christian Slater plays a super spy with an alter ego . . . Jack Nicholson. Sadly that statement could be made about any of Christian Slater’s previous roles.

The reporter that broke the story about the tainted milk scandal in China has issued a formal apology. In the story he reported that the tainted milk was, “ killing Chinese babies left and right”. Completely overlooking the fact that Chinese goes from right to left. Oops.

An in-depth probe into the failing housing loans in America revealed that it was due largely in part to the free calendars and ballpoint pens. The study, which excluded Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, did however, include Fanny Pack. As these were also given out as free enticements.

And finally, a recent medical study found no connection at all between breast cancer and the intake of caffeine. So, as far as we know, the best link to breast cancer is still God. Hey Jesus, why the long faith?

50 Year Old Man In The Mirror

One of the first real jobs I ever had was bar backing at a little bar called Minx. It was a popular spot for drinkers and carousers. It was the eighties and nobody gave a shit.
The drinks would flow, the Human League was blasting over the speakers, and cocaine was considered one of the four food groups. Needless to say, sometimes things got a little out of hand. I mean, it’s not as if people were doing lines of cocaine off of the tables or anything. Okay, once in a while an occasional person would do an occasional line of cocaine off of one of tables and then go back to work behind the bar . . . occasionally.
One night, we were all gathered around a television watching a tribute to Mowtown Records on CBS. Michael Jackson was scheduled to appear. I was always a fan of the Jackson Five and still am, but never really into Michael Jackson as a solo act.
People used to like to talk to each other back then. This was long before texting. Add loud voices to loud music and a bar can become a very loud place. But, when Michael Jackson took that stage and the opening bars of Billie Jean kicked in, save for the volume on the TV set, the place went completely silent. All eyes were transfixed on Jackson. He busted out the “moonwalk” and everyone in the place went crazy. Grown men wept. Women screamed. Children were born. Neil Armstrong actually walked on the fucking moon and this was somehow ten times cooler! One small step for man . . . one giant leap to boogie! Watch her get down watch her get down!
All of America witnessed a moment in entertainment history. And they knew it. That was all anybody talked about for weeks. I have to admit that even I was moved by his performance. It was truly unbelievable. The Prince of Pop was born.
Then came the litany of crazy shit. Pretend marriages, buying giraffes, those thirty-three rhinoplastys and last but not least, allegations of sexually abusing children. I don’t care how well you can dance, when a grown man is in a bed with a little boy . . . the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again . . . who’s bad?
When I read that Michael Jackson had turned fifty years old, I could hardly believe it. It was one of those “what the fuck did that just say” moments. It was like finding out that Peter Pan has lupus! Did you hear about Ronald McDonald? He’s got McParkinson’s! Somebody left the back gate open again. The good news is Scooby Doo is fine . . . the bad news is Scrappy Doo got hit by a car!
Whether you believe he is crazy or not, you cannot deny that his career has suffered as a result of his indiscretions with minors. And that’s fine with me. For those who are interested, Michael Jackson is available for children’s parties. Unfortunately he’s more readily available to party with children.

All You Can Cheat Lunch Special

In the film Magnum Force, Inspector Harry Callahan proclaims, "A man’s got to know his limitations." I like to think that I know mine but when in doubt, I listen to the guy holding the gun. The Chinese government not only know their limitations (boundless apparently) but they also know ours.
The 2008 Olympics were held in China this time around. I’m not sure why. I guess they just wanted to hold the gun for a while. Their aim was to feature themselves in a positive light and show the world how different they are from North Korea. I’ll believe that the day they find Bigfoot!
China is an anomaly to me. The country is, and always has been, run by psychos. Yet, it’s people, the ones I’ve met at least, are wonderful. Mind you, as wonderful as you can be from the other side of the sneeze shield at the Hunan Garden buffet table. I’m kidding! I kid . . China, ca’mon!
The Chinese are honest for the most part. The Great Wall of China, is indeed, a great wall. No bullshit. It’s the greatest wall in the world. When you order fried wanton at a Chinese restaurant, they take wanton and they fry it. They’re not fucking around. I have nary a clue as to what wanton is, but they’re not liars! And they’re trustworthy. That ancient Chinese laundry secret has for all intents and purposes, remained a secret. In my lifetime anyway. Okay, I’m pretty sure it’s Biz detergent, but you didn’t get that from me.
Why then China, would you cheat in the Olympics? Why? Those little gymnast girls weren’t sixteen years old! We had their photos examined closely by our nation’s top pedophiles and they all concurred that there is no way those girls were over nine or ten years old. By the way, the photos won’t be returned. It’s in everybody’s best interest.
Those little gymnast girls in China have it rough right from the start. They’re separated from their families at an early age, some as young as three years old. They are then forcefully threatened to enjoy gymnastics. The parents I mean, the kids love it! Early in our ill-fated relationship, my ex-girlfriend used to make me "enjoy" Will and Grace so, I can certainly relate.
While we’re on the subject, the children of Tibet have it pretty rough as well. They’re separated from their dying families at an early age by the Chinese government and forcefully threatened to enjoy dying. Given the choice of the two, gymnastics must look like a free Bruce Lee film festival to those Tibetan kids. And now that we’re on the subject of free . . . FREE TIBET! Ca’mon!
I’m not trying to say that America is better than China (It sounds like I’m coughing right now but I’m actually saying, "even though we are"), or should I say the People’s Republic of Cheating! Two things do however, leap to mind. We eventually learned our lesson about ethnic cleansing and we don’t cheat at the Olympics.
Oh sure, some of the track and field team dopes up . . . youthful exuberance, nothing more. Plus, they always get caught anyway . . . so . . . that doesn’t count. None of the weight lifters count either. And by that, I mean that they don’t add or subtract and absolutely refuse to multiply and divide.
Technically we don’t cheat in the actual events . . . most of the events . . . okay, most of the internationally televised events. I say that with some degree of confidence knowing two things, all of the drug test results haven’t come back yet and the Mafia hasn’t figured out a way to "fix" the games. Until then . . . how dare you China!

Garanimal Farm

George Orwell has started a blog site. Posthumously, of course. Orwell’s blogs (excerpts from his diary actually) describe his life in the late thirties and forties. I also do a little blogging from time to time. I describe the events that shape my life in this new millennium and will continue to do so until the Ministry of Truth assassinates me. As far as I can tell, I’m alive, and he’s not. Somehow, I still get the impression more people will read his blogs. I felt a comparison was in order, so I took the liberty.

The following was taken from George Orwell’s personal diary and new blog site:

Saturday August 9, 1938
Woke up, got out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head

Found my way downstairs and drank a cup

And looking up, I noticed I was late

Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat

Found my way upstairs and had a smoke
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream Ah . . .

Here’s what I do:

Saturday August 9, 2008
Bernie Mac died today and Steve Harvey did not. Obviously the scales of comedic justice are slightly skewed. While one was extremely hilarious the other has a black nerf football attached to his fucking head.

Here’s what you can expect from both of us heretofore:

Wednesday October 13, 1938
Blame it all on my roots.
I showed up in boots and ruined your black tie affair.
The last one to know. The last one to show.
I was the one you thought you’d see there.

Recently, this never before seen passage was discovered:

I didn't mean to cause a big scene
Just wait til I finish this glass

Then sweet little lady

I'll get back to the bar

And you can kiss my ass!!

Wednesday October 13, 2008
After a four hour standoff with authorities, presidential hopeful John McCain, released his family and surrendered his weapons. When asked if campaign pressure was what set him off, he replied," They warned me not to watch Platoon on blu-ray disc, but I didn’t listen".

Wednesday November 5, 1938
Now listen here folks, ain’t no joke
We got to do something or we’re all gonna croak
Can’t get a job, we’ve all been robbed
We’ve got no money and the corn’s all cobbed
We’ve nothing but blues.
Them bread line blues

Wednesday November 5, 2008
I’m not sure if the election results came first or the asteroid. It all happened so fast. I was watching Fox News Channel and then BOOM! Two thirds of the world’s population wiped out. Much to my surprise, living in the "Bible belt" may have made all of the difference. This may be my last blog, the cannibals are getting closer. I can hear the screams. I still can’t get used to the screams. So tired . . . so very tired . . .

Tuesday January 1, 1940
All is quiet on New Year's Day,
A world in white gets underway,
And I want to be with you,be with you night and day,
Nothing changes on New Year's Day


Tuesday January 1, 2010
I spend my days drinking gin in the Chestnut Tree pub and listening eagerly to the announcements from the telescreens. Just now I am very concerned over the war in which Eurasia is once again the enemy. Eurasia had always been the enemy; any contrary memories were merely mental aberrations. The last lesson has been learned.
I do love Big Brother.

Anne Thrax Of Green Gables

One hundred years ago, Lucy Maud Montgomery wrote a book called, "Anne of Green Gables". It was an instant success. It sold nineteen thousand copies in its first five months. Mind you, this was 1908, some of the copies were written on tree bark.

It was a touching story about an orphan girl, Anne Shirley, who comes to the quiet town of Avonlea, in Prince Edward Island, Canada, to live with an old pair of siblings called Mathew and Marilla Cuthbert. The brother and sister live together (what’s that all about?) on their ancestral farm, Green Gables. Fearing that they are too old to run the family farm, these two sexual deviants send off for an orphan boy to help them. Do you think Elton John knows that you can do that? When little Anne Shirley shows up instead, red of hair and freckled of face, they take to her instantly and decide to keep her. Little do they know this kid is ten pounds of trouble in a five-pound bag! A host of wacky mishaps and risible misfortunes ensue. We’ll get back to Anne in a moment.

The year is 1990. The U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases Laboratory at Ft. Detrick, Maryland, puts out an ad in the local newspaper for a red haired orphan to help them develop anthrax spores for use as biological weaponry. When Bruce Ivins shows up by mistake, psychotic by nature and completely insane, they take to him instantly and decide to keep him. Little do they know, a host of seriously fucked up shit is about to hit their government issued fan.

Back in Avonlea, Anne Shirley has grown up and become more responsible and a lot less funny. She focuses on academics and with the help of her beloved teacher, Miss Stacy, Anne gets accepted into the prestigious Queens Academy, run by Professor Freddie Mercury. For other reasons, he was also referred to as "head Master". Because everything seems to be going her way, while at Queen’s Academy, she wins the prestigious Avery Scholarship. This affords her a four-year run at college the next fall.

When Anne returns to Green Gables with the good news, Mathew Cuthbert has a heart attack and dies. Son of a . . . His sister Marilla starts to go blind. What the . . . All of Anne’s hopes and dreams come crashing down. She passes up the scholarship and gets a job teaching kids bitterness and remorse in Avonlea so that she can stay close to home and help the nice blind lady. Anne of Green Gables sees a glass not half-empty, but rather, half full . . . of shit.

The year is 2001. A brutal and vicious attack on the citizens of New York City is orchestrated by a group of cowards known as Al Quaeda. The World Trade Center comes crashing down on the dreams and hopes of thousands of people. The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia and the Whitehouse in Washington D.C. are also targeted. The Pentagon suffers extensive damage. The Whitehouse is spared as per the efforts of a group of brave Americans. Silly terrorists, nothing ever happens at the Whitehouse! The entire country is affected by the attack. A sense of pride in unity and togetherness overcomes America. The glass is half full.

"Now," says Bruce Ivins, "is the perfect time for me to unleash an anthrax virus." He proceeds to send out letters through the U.S. mail containing anthrax spores. What the . . . Five people die and seventeen others are infected. Son of a . . . Because it took place in America, the crime went unsolved for seven years.

This year, 2008, a bend in the road. The trail of clues uncovered by a massive FBI investigation led to mad scientist, Bruce Ivins. Sensing the feds closing in on him, on July 29th, Bruce Ivins overdosed on Tylenol laced with codeine. I guess he was all out of anthrax.

Anne's horizons had closed in since the night she had sat there after coming home from Queen's; but if the path set before her feet was to be narrow she knew that flowers of quiet happiness would bloom along it. The joy of sincere work and worthy aspiration and congenial friendship were to be hers; nothing could rob her of her birthright of fancy or her ideal world of dreams. And there was always the bend in the road!
"'God's in his heaven, all's right with the world,'" whispered Anne softly