Random Facts Of Violence

Often Times I hear people confuse the word coincidence with the word ironic. Here is a simple way to sort these two words out. The fact that Judd Apatow’s entire filmography consists of only one script with different titles is a coincidence. The fact that Dane Cook hasn’t starred in any of these films is ironic.

I’ve recently discovered that I like sleeping on my stomach. Due largely I’m sure, to the fact that I’m not in prison.

According to Clay Aiken, he is indeed quite gay. According to me, he must have been the last one to know.

Q: What do 911, Hurricane Katrina, and Nazi Germany all have in common?
A: They all have a higher approval rating that George W. Bush.

The scientists who built the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland have decided to in fact, refocus their efforts. Rather than waste time smashing atoms together at light speed in a needless attempt to discover the origin of the universe, they have decided instead to put Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana at opposite ends of their particle accelerator. The collision of those two forces simultaneously should create a doorway that leads straight to hell or at the very least a wormhole to the Jonas Brothers’ tour bus.

And speaking of big bangs, does anyone remember when fantasy football was all about rich African American players getting to bang hot white chicks?

In the new television series, “My Own Worst Enemy”, Christian Slater plays a super spy with an alter ego . . . Jack Nicholson. Sadly that statement could be made about any of Christian Slater’s previous roles.

The reporter that broke the story about the tainted milk scandal in China has issued a formal apology. In the story he reported that the tainted milk was, “ killing Chinese babies left and right”. Completely overlooking the fact that Chinese goes from right to left. Oops.

An in-depth probe into the failing housing loans in America revealed that it was due largely in part to the free calendars and ballpoint pens. The study, which excluded Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, did however, include Fanny Pack. As these were also given out as free enticements.

And finally, a recent medical study found no connection at all between breast cancer and the intake of caffeine. So, as far as we know, the best link to breast cancer is still God. Hey Jesus, why the long faith?