'08 Thou Art

I’m pretty sure if Nostradamus had foreseen 2008, he would have put away his quill pen, quietly screwed the top back on his inkbottle, blown out the candle, and quit the prophecy business. Somewhere in between Tina Fey’s impersonation of Sarah Palin and the “I Kissed A Girl” video, the members of the band Rage Against The Machine were all quoted as saying,”Okay, okay, I’ll do what you tell me!”

Barack Obama became the first African-American-president-elect. I hope he lives up to all the hype and all the hyphens. Who could have predicted that democracy and Britney Spears would make a comeback in the same year? The Bush administration made “Seven Years in Tibet” seem better than the last eight years in America. You have no idea how much it pains me to make that comparison. The Chinese government encourages their pandas to fuck and their people not to. Thanks W.
O.J. Simpson went to jail . . . finally! Attention other prison inmates who plan to rape him in he shower! He’s an ex-football player. If he sees a hole, he’ll run for daylight. You should run a 4-3 and blitz your corners tight and on the inside.
Speaking of gay marriage, Ellen DeGeneres married Portia de Rossi!
Jimmy must have cracked corn, because I don’t care. I could give a De Rat’s Ass! I heard that all of their friends pitched in and bought them a blender so that they could put the Constitution in it and set it to puree.
Which reminds me, this morning I tried to flush my toilet and I noticed it was clogged. Upon further investigation, I found the U.S. economy in it. What the hell?! The economy is so bad Mexicans are sending money TO America! I’ve seen conjoined twins less confused about which direction to go in! The best advice I’ve heard lately: If you want a plan for your future, you should read "The Grapes of Wrath”.
I would be remiss if I didn’t make one attempt to point out some of the good things that happened in’08 . . . Michael Phelps. All right . . . that was fun wasn’t it? And now . . . back to the bullshit!
The popular singing group known simply as Jonas Brothers sold out more concerts than any other act in America this year. Honey, I Shrunk Metallica! They caught everyone’s attention as the opening act for Hannah Montana. If anybody knows how to get a terminator to come here from the future and kill Billy Ray Cyrus, now would be the perfect time.
Speaking of natural disasters, in 2008 there were more hurricanes than there were cyclones and earthquakes. Which is good if you’re a higher deity like say . . . God . . . or whatever, but bad if you’re one of his fragile children. I don’t know if it’s the end of the world or not, it is unfortunately, starting to feel a little like a full dress rehearsal.
Industry shut down was the name of the game this year. The housing, auto, and banking industries needed a bale out from the Bush
Administration. Well now, that sounds like a bunch of rats asking the Pied Piper of Hamelin for a piece of cheese!
How bad was your two term presidency when just as you think you’re rounding the last turn and heading for home, some crazy Iraqi chunks his shoes at you? Two days later, a big, black guy came to the White House and took away all of his Miller beer. “You don’t deserve the high life ’cause you a low life!” he said as he drove off in the beer truck. Talk about adding insult to drinkability!
What is this ex-president to do now that he’s out of office? Here’s an idea. Rent an ice cream truck with a good PA system and drive up and down every city in America and apologize to everybody whose life you fucked up. Even though it will still probably sound like circus music, it would at least be something. And something is better than nothing. Or at least it used to be eight years ago.