The Truth About Cats And Blogs

Every year the film industry whines about all they money lost due to movie piracy. I would love to be able to see their side in this matter, but I can’t. (I made this realization during “Pirates of the Caribbean III”) How can you complain about lost revenue and crank out movies about high school musicals? (Talk about buggery on the high C’s)
Dow Chemicals has less toxic waste spewing out of their drainpipes. You are not allowed to make films starring Paris Hilton and then bitch about low ticket sales. Paris Hilton has starred in two films. In one she proves that she sucks at acting. In the other she proves that she can act at sucking.
I’m not saying that there haven’t been some great films that have come out of Hollywood. To which their effect on me has often times been astonishingly profound. The first time I saw “The Godfather”, I wanted to go right out and join the Mafia. Unfortunately, I had the same feeling during the closing credits of “The Bench Warmers”.
Therein lies the problem.
The industry can make a good film when the goal is to make a good film. When the goal is to make money, you get Robin Williams dressed up like one of the Golden Girls.
Six months later, a three blu-ray disc straight to video collector’s edition of “Mrs. Doubtfire and Media’s Family Reunion at Big Mamma’s House ”.
Which brings me to the point. The film industry should be thankful that anybody would spend their time downloading bullshit movies like “Beowulf”. Illegally or otherwise! A very simple law could be enacted to punish these evil doers:
Oh hear yea; oh hear yea all, whomsoever caught spending twelve hours of their lives illegally downloading copies of the unedited version of “American Pie 7: Naked College Party Super Brawl Weekend”, shall hereby be forced to watch “American Pie 7: Naked College Party Super Brawl Weekend”.
That would certainly dissuade me.
People disagree with me all the time about my taste in movies, and that’s fine. I, for one, was not a fan of Ron Howard’s film,”Evening at the Apollo 12: Norbit in Orbit”. Frankly, I found the script devoid of historical fact. I do however, remember that classic line from the film . . .” Houston, we in some shit!” And, for what it’s worth, Jamie Kennedy was quite funny.
What makes a film good or bad is a lot like a family reunion. It’s all relative. I have a simple see or don’t see movie litmus test. If the title of the film is on a collector’s cup at Wendy’s . . . no good. If Papa John’s can somehow work the title into a two-liter Pepsi and large pizza combo deal . . . waste of time. If the next ticket to movie you buy stars Larry the Cable Guy . . . you might be a redneck.
The bottom line here is that Hollywood seems to love garbage as much the homeless do.
Put the focus on quality and not just high definition blu ray disc with an alternate ending quality, and maybe people will buy movies tickets
Fin.

Random Facts Of Violence

Often Times I hear people confuse the word coincidence with the word ironic. Here is a simple way to sort these two words out. The fact that Judd Apatow’s entire filmography consists of only one script with different titles is a coincidence. The fact that Dane Cook hasn’t starred in any of these films is ironic.

I’ve recently discovered that I like sleeping on my stomach. Due largely I’m sure, to the fact that I’m not in prison.

According to Clay Aiken, he is indeed quite gay. According to me, he must have been the last one to know.

Q: What do 911, Hurricane Katrina, and Nazi Germany all have in common?
A: They all have a higher approval rating that George W. Bush.

The scientists who built the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland have decided to in fact, refocus their efforts. Rather than waste time smashing atoms together at light speed in a needless attempt to discover the origin of the universe, they have decided instead to put Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana at opposite ends of their particle accelerator. The collision of those two forces simultaneously should create a doorway that leads straight to hell or at the very least a wormhole to the Jonas Brothers’ tour bus.

And speaking of big bangs, does anyone remember when fantasy football was all about rich African American players getting to bang hot white chicks?

In the new television series, “My Own Worst Enemy”, Christian Slater plays a super spy with an alter ego . . . Jack Nicholson. Sadly that statement could be made about any of Christian Slater’s previous roles.

The reporter that broke the story about the tainted milk scandal in China has issued a formal apology. In the story he reported that the tainted milk was, “ killing Chinese babies left and right”. Completely overlooking the fact that Chinese goes from right to left. Oops.

An in-depth probe into the failing housing loans in America revealed that it was due largely in part to the free calendars and ballpoint pens. The study, which excluded Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, did however, include Fanny Pack. As these were also given out as free enticements.

And finally, a recent medical study found no connection at all between breast cancer and the intake of caffeine. So, as far as we know, the best link to breast cancer is still God. Hey Jesus, why the long faith?