The Death Of A Reference

As a performing saloon comic, one thing has been made very clear to me. References are funny. You need a couple of good references in your act. This guy’s got more skeletons in his closet than John Wayne Gacy. That girl is as well informed as a Jessica Simpson with a concussion. Mickey Rourke is as fashion conscience as a homeless guy on laundry day. See . . . you need a reference in order to justify how much better you are than the rest of the morons in this world. It feels, for lack of a better word, greedy, and that’s good. That’s right my friends, a badass reference to the “Street”! And speaking of movies, have you seen the new Will Ferrell movie? This guy’s made more bombs than a Muslim extremist during a double Jihad! (That’s a Pauley Shore reboot.)
Lately, I’m sad to say I’ve noticed a very disturbing trend among our treasured and often referred to American idols . . . death. These people are disappearing faster than doughnuts at Kirstie Alley’s house. Our references are dying off faster than a Joss Whedon TV series. Ed McMahon, Bea Arthur, Farrah Fawcett-Majors-O’Neal, the Oxyclean guy, and most recently one Mr. Michael Jackson (Wacko Jacko if you’re British . . . Wacko Warner if you smoke weed). It just isn’t fair. I mean, I feel so . . . what chu talkin’ ‘bout Willis . . . you know?
Michael Jackson was a great dancer who was too often referred to as a genius for my liking. Edwin Hubble was a genius. Carl Sagan was a genius. Steven Hawking is a genius. Granted, none of these guys could probably dance (especially Hawking) or molest children, and fortunately for us, they didn’t. Who’s bad?
Bea Arthur was always kind of anomaly to me. She made appearances on TV’s “All in the Family”. And then went on to star in her own series, based on the same character. The show was horribly unfunny and got cancelled. The ratings were lower than Madonna’s panties in the New York Nicks locker room. Where most people would disappear into the woodwork after such a failure (or in my case after a shitty Madonna joke) Bea Arthur lived in infamy in the “routines” of comedians all across the country. Mostly about something or someone having huge balls.
Take heed funny people, the world needs new references. And the spectrum of references for comedic purposes as you can see, is broad. Challenge your audience! The more obscure the reference the better. As non-existent as Charlton Heston’s toupee’ stylist. As bored as Michael Collins during a moonwalk. As busy as Charley Hodge on a two show night. And don’t get me started on Dolpf Whitlam’s birthday! Don’t be afraid to be as imaginative as Martha Stewart after three bong hits. But, never close on a weed reference . . . that’s my thing.

Blogwarts

Well it’s summer again in Texas. That means two things: Godforgotten heat and a host of summer blockbuster movies.
A friend of mine asked me if I go to movies very often. I replied,”Not unless the word Harry or Potter is in the title.” I wasn’t joking. I will be soon, however. The Harry Potter franchise is a gold mine and justifiably so. With their blank check mentality of hiring the best actors in England and the cool plot lines, as far as I’m concerned, these films epitomize the summer movie experience. Unfortunately, the rest of the films are complete horseshit (including, but not limited to Adam Sandler’s new movie, “Complete Horseshit.”)
I boldly went to see the new Star Trek film and enjoyed it very much. I went with my gay friend Billiam. He enjoyed the movie even though he wasn’t a fan of the original series. I enjoyed his company even though I’m not a fan of cock.
Before our movie started my friend Billiam leaned over to me and asked me if I’d seen Will Ferrel’s new movie. I replied, “has it been a week already!” Yes, Wil Ferrel is back in another alleged comedy entitled “Land of the Lost”. This time he goes back in time a million years ago. Back to a place and time when he was funny. To me, a Wil Ferrel movie is like eye contact with a homeless guy, I avoid it at all cost. By the way Mr. Ferrel, the land of lost is where you can find you soul if you’re interested . . . I didn’t think so.
A sequel transformer movie, a sequel museum movie and a prequel Dan Brown novel/ movie all in one summer. Somebody wake me up before I wet the bed. I’m kidding; I haven’t done that since my girlfriend moved out.
I won’t go see a Transformer’s movie for the same reason I didn’t own any transformers toys as a child, they’re for fags.
“A Night at the Museum”, was about as engaging as . . . well . . . a night at the museum. The sequel to this movie reminds me of a message on Twitter . . . 140 unnecessary characters.
“Angels and Demons”, is being called a sequel. It is in fact more of a prequel to the DaVinci Code and a great book. On the Mr. Brightside I, like most of you, am anxiously awaiting the new Dan Brown novel . . . “God Hate”. And you know if Tom Hanks isn’t in that movie, there is no God.
That brings me back to where this blog started, Harry Potter. I really can’t wait to see “Half Blood Prince”. I’m going to see it in IMAX format, and you should too. Quite frankly as far as I know the only other place you can see Hermione Granger’s breasts cover an entire wall, is in my bedroom. Don’t judge.