Jesus H. Potter

I came across the final instalment of the "Left Behind" series the other day at the book store with the Starbucks in it. I was surprised to find out that "Kingdom Come" was the 16Th book in the series. Sixteen books about the "rapture". Holy crap! Holy crap by the way, is the section of the book store where they keep that series.

In 1995, authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins wrote their first book ,"Left Behind", introducing America to the fictional character, Jesus Christ. Since then they've sold over 65 million copies of these popular books leaving fans screaming for more, more, more!

The series details what life will be like on earth for those left behind when one million people get "raptured " on up to heaven. Knowing that there are over 5 billion people living on earth, I'm assuming it's a kind of preboarding if you will, mostly kids and old folks with aluminum walkers. Meanwhile down on earth trial and tribulation ensues. Evil doers versus good . . . doers! Fire, brimstone, fiddles of gold against people's souls, Jesse McCartney turns 20! Complete and utter chaos! And to complicate matters even more, a young boy with a lightening bolt on his head named Harry, grows up to become the Antichrist. Setting the stage for the return of Jesus Christ ,the original boy wizard, and the battle to end all battles. Yada, yada, yada, sixteen books later, good triumphs over evil and . . . well . . . I don't want to ruin it for you . . . suffice to say they're real and they're spectacular! Whew! I'm exhausted!

Needless to say, if you don't want to fry in hell, you should at least entertain the notion of a wonderful afterlife as recompense for your best attempt at goodness. On the other hand, my version of hell would be having to read all sixteen books in LaHaye and Jenkins' "Left Behind" series. Jesse McCartney is 20? Jesus Christ . . . time flies!

Eight Is Enough

This September will mark the second anniversary of Pluto's ejection from our solar system. The shadows and fog that may or may not have been a planet were discovered in 1930 by Clyde Tombaugh. He's dead now. But if he wasn't, this would surely have killed him. His life's work ironically enough, wound up equal to the surface temperature of the very planet he discovered . . . absolute zero. Poor bastard.
Save for the fact that we hate Pluto and that the surface is made of ice, not much else is known about the little planet that couldn't. The atmosphere is composed of mostly of Nitrogen, Methane and Carbon Monoxide. Not far away from the atmosphere at any alcoholics anonymous meeting. Although, Pluto does lack the high levels of self loathing.
Speaking of alcoholics, NASA launched a spacecraft that is scheduled to orbit Pluto in July of 2015. Since it will now have to turn right back around, project "What's the Fucking Point" will re orbit the Earth in the year 2025. So much for the cool pictures of Pluto's surface. This thing is just going to be one more satellite cluttering up our atmosphere taking pictures of Lindsay Lohan getting into fist fights outside of trendy L.A. nightclubs.
I salute Pluto. The ninth rock(er) from the sun! Once basking in the glory of being named after a Roman god . . . now . . . reduced to dwarf planet status. In other words, a lousy stinkin' asteroid! What a story for VH1's Behind the Planets.
How do you get kicked out of the solar system? What a badass ex-planet! Rebel planet yo . . . Pluto don't play ya know I'm sayin' dawg! I'd like to see Oprah Winfrey's ass kicked out of the solar system. There's an episode for After Oprah! Strap her to a rocket with Tom Cruise, the kid with long hair from TMZ, and the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy. Rosie O'Donnell would provide the weight at the bottom end. 3. . .2 . . .1 . . . you go girl!
In September of '06 Pluto was assigned asteroid number 134340 and was placed in a loving home in a region loaded with other asteroids just south of Neptune known as the Kuiper Belt. That place ROCKS! Pluto continues to struggle with drugs and alcohol but is currently c and s. Pluto spends most of it's time in the studio laying down phat tracks and coming up with fresh beats. And don't get me started on the dope rhymes.

Ricky Surveys

Favorite Serial Killer?
John Wayne Gacy Jr.
Favorite Sexual Position?
Reaching for my wallet.
Rock, Paper or Scissors?
McCain.
Who Did You Call First Today?
911.
During A Race Riot Where Would You Hide?
A library.
Is Elvis Presley Still Alive?
He died of boredom in 1997.
Where Were You The First Time You Saw " High School Musical "?
Gagged and bound.
Last Time You Saw A Family Member?
In court.
Favorite Feature On Your I Phone?
The bottle opener.
Last Website Visited?
Underage teen whore heads in a bucket (.com ).
Hannah Montana Or Miley Ray Cyrus?
Duct tape.
Do You Support Gays/Lesbians?
Not anymore. My brother moved out.
Where Was Your First Kiss?
On my penis.
Is There Any Limit To The Amount Of Stupidity In These Surveys?
Trick question.

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The Rats Win The Rat Race

I was eating lunch in a Vietnamese restaurant and watching CNN (because that’s how I spring roll) when all of a sudden the most alarming news story I’ve ever heard came on. The reporter said that scientists have determined that there are as many rats living on the planet Earth as there are humans. I don’t mind telling you my chopsticks became dropsticks in a big hurry. How can that be? I always thought the people at Maybeline had done more than their fair share to thin out the rat population. I looked at some of the staff at the Vietnamese restaurant and said, "what . . . are you guys vegetarians?" Ca’mon!

We have to do something. We can’t turn the planet over to the rats! What the hell kind of existence is that? I don’t need to find out first hand that rat traps suck. I can’t scurry worth a shit. I like my apartment. I don’t want to live in a little hole. Wait a minute . . . my apartment is a little hole! Oh my God the transformation has already begun. Yes . . . I see it . . . SCOOTER Libby, CHEESE heroin, WILLARD Scott, lesbians with RAT tails. . . we are doomed!

I can remember the good old days when lab rats were used to test makeup and other hygienic products. That is until the activists got involved. I hope they all get gnawed! There was a shampoo developed especially for women with blonde hair they stopped testing on rats when the they noticed how stupid the rats were becoming. The rats were all "whatever" and the cheese was all "whatever " and the maze was like "ttyl"! They’re not stupid anymore! The rats I mean, blondes are blondes what are ya gonna do?

In India they eat rats. So, the next time there is a earthquake I say we all play one big game of "mousetrap" and send ’em a million crates full of brown and gray furry love. "Hey, Hadji where should I put these crates from the U.S. marked Rat Cross?" "Put them next to the Sheer Blonde shampoo", Hadji replies.